i swear, i don't know where i would be with out you.

I always knew that in life you can not rely on anyone but yourself.  I've always been the girl that doesn't trust anyone, because people enjoy screwing you over more than they enjoy helping you through any problem(s) you encounter.

I give my heart and soul to helping people; i give everything i can plus to make someone else happy.  I can't keep living like this anymore, I can't keep giving everything i've got to get nothing in return. 

I'm tired of everyone telling me that they "miss me" but ya know what,  you really don't.  Because if you really missed me you would try to make an effort to hang out, or visit, or call or something to show that you do care.  But it's not like that, everything else is always more important.

My heart honestly can't take much more of this deception.  I'm tired of being let down by the things that mean so much to me.  I distance myself from everyone and nobody even notices, or even cares for that matter.

The one person i gave everything too decided to throw it all in my face.  He pretty much summed up that i was a complete waste of life, and i never meant anything to him.  I was a good time, I was used over and over again and i made myself believe that he truly did care.  How could anyone ever be so vindictive as he?  What did I ever do to him for him to come back with these words and actions time after time?

I have no one to talk to about this, everyone thinks i'm over reacting, or it was my fault that i pushed him to be like this.  Why can't I just have that ONE person to vent everything too?  That one person that is there whenever i need them?  I always thought that Jason Frank was my rock, and that he was this person, but it's getting harder and harder to talk to him lately.  I feel like he's even tired of the same shit from me.

I give up... i truly and honestly do.  I'm not giving my all anymore, because i never get the respect i deserve.  So with this, fuck you all and you know exactly who i'm talking too.  Because reading this, i know most of you all thought that at some point in this blog i was talking about you...

In the past two weeks, I've heard that I'm a pretty cold hearted person.  And for the longest time I couldn't see what they were talking about.  I put people before me, and I let chances that will make me happy slip away so that someone else's happiness can be put before a minute of my happiness.

But, tonight I was watching American Idol, which I haven't done all season, and with that I realized what a selfish person I truly am.  I was talking to my brother just two hours before this, and I was telling him how the second something gets better, it seems to fall just as hard.

I was complaining about friends, my stupid car, and how much school is killing me, how I can’t wait for the semester to be over, how much  I need Jason Frank home, and then he said "you have something to be happy about... life."  And at first, I didn't want anything to do with that, my first thought was well maybe life isn't what I want.  But, as the night went on, I finally realized how lucky I truly am.

American Idol was having a huge show on giving back to the world, whether it was to the US, or Africa.  There was a story on this boy in Africa that was just 12 years old, both parents dead, and he took the parenting roll of his sister.  Just the footage alone made tears fall from my eyes. Or, how 1 child every 30 seconds dies of malaria in Africa, and how just 10 dollars can save 20 children's lives.

I was always this ignorant person, and thought to myself well, it’s not me so in reality why should I care?  It's not hurting us here in the US so it doesn’t matter.

Well, I finally realized that’s not the truth.  I complain because I had a flat tire, I complain because my job is stressful at times, I complain because school is killing me this semester.  But, I have no reason to complain.

I have a car, I have a job, and I can afford to go to school.  I have more than many people could ever imagine.  My friends can be tough at times, but they mean more to me than you could ever imagine.  My family, what would I do with out my family? I couldn't imagine losing my parents, or any of my brothers.

Helping out the world isn't just donating money, there are many things you can give back to the community, whether you donate clothes you don’t ever wear, volunteering your time, or anything else you can imagine.

Just taking 2 minutes of your time can change someone else's life.

I'm sure; there will be something tomorrow that will make me complain about this "horrible life."  But, I’m going to try my hardest to give my time, to people who deserve it way more than I do.